Conflict of a Wavering Mind

I was sitting on the chair staring at the blank word document. Not sure of what I wanted to write, I simply started scribbling whatever I could fathom. Two lines down, I realized that I have too many thoughts in my mind. And, to give shapes to those thoughts, I would have to sit down, think, re-think and then finally 'pour' them out on the document.

But, what exactly then would I write on the blank document? Wouldn't it be better to keep it white and plain, without the scribbling? Or, if I do happen to phrase the perfect sentences, the perfect similes, the perfect idioms, the perfect storyline, will those 'perfections' depict the inner battle that I am going through right now?

Right now, where I sit and write, it is quiet. Except for the ceiling fan making the intermittent noise, the shrills and laughter of the children playing down, the sound of the temple bell hinting at the evening prayer session being over, the usual honking of vehicles that just went by, the clattering of utensils on the terrace of a Men's hostel right opposite to the building where I stay. This surely does not tantamount to 'quiet'. Or does it?

Often amidst this quietness, I find myself lost in trance. A book open in my hand, my eyes loitering on the lines that tell a tale. But, my mind, is definitely not absorbed in knowing where the tale is heading to. It seldom happens that I can watch a debate on TV, read a page of the book, write something, without veering into a different zone altogether. I have tried meditation. Only, tried. I have tried keeping my thoughts at a single point of reference. My mind has failed me and I have lost the count.

My fingers are aching already though I have hardly written something meaningful. My eyes are hurting, not out of staring on the blank document but out of innumerable tears that have been flowing out of them like a waterfall. My shoulders ache too. Not just out of the prolonged seating on the soft couch, in front of the laptop, but also because of things that have taken the form of 'concern' and have refused to elude me even for a second.

I want to go in deep slumber. Forgetting there exist clouds of concern. I want to, for once, shred the slightest trace of uncertainty that has been hovering in my mind. I want to slide past each day, without a hint of doubt. I want to reassure my inner self of the strengths that I possess. The strength that is way more tenacious and hard to belittle than the weaknesses that have crippled me from within and without.

I want to BE all this. I want to visualize what I think. I want the positive to take control. But how?

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