If Only..I Had Taken The First Step

Okay. This post took me quite a while to write. Not just the regular editing, re-writing, re-phrasing, beautifying (not much), etc etc but also feeding, playing, chatting with my baby kept me away from writing this blog. My previous post had mentioned how keen I was to pen down my thoughts. This post too is somewhat going flashback.

No, I am not revisiting all the nine months of my pregnancy rather sharing an observation that I made during those nine months. This is one observation that I had long back but it just got better in the past few months. It’s about the people around me- Family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, “Facebook” friends etc.

January 4th, 2014 was when I came to Delhi with my mother. Yes, I had quit my job. Not many knew of this except a few close friends, who met me in Delhi and of course, my colleagues and family. In fact, many would get to know through this blog post that I have been jobless since January :-D But like I have always been, I kept myself occupied with some freelance work besides watching TV, surfing the net, reading and studying a bit as well.

I had wanted to break the expected clich├ęs of “going to your maternal home when you are pregnant.” However, situation demanded that I should come down to Delhi. I was quite upset about leaving my husband in Chennai. But he made sure he was besides me all the time by calling me every day, his physical absence was creeping through me. Our conversations everyday reminded me of our courtship days. Long distance relationship is painful.

Here in Delhi, my friends were all thrilled to see their friend now turning into a mommy. Though we met just once, they kept the never ending conversations flowing with regular Whatsapp messages and sometimes calls. Amidst all this, I missed working. For, I had made some valuable friends, with whom I had a great time. Not everyone gets to make friends in their workplace. In Chennai, it was different for me. We were a group, who talked about anything and everything, but mostly our conversations delved around food. We were always ready to go on food trails in any and every restaurant of Chennai. (Though, our food trails hardly became reality, plans were made but mostly got shelved due to lack of time)

I have always had this habit of making friends wherever I went. In Chennai too, despite my life revolving around my husband and home, I didn’t skip to make new friends. There were a few whom I met through a Facebook group. Though we hardly met, we had developed a good bond over chatting and messages. It was only once or twice that I happened to meet a few of them.

Coming to Delhi had changed the entire scenario. We were hardly in touch. Even if we were, it was I who made an effort to keep the contact going by either sending a text or Whatsapp once in a while. I stopped doing that once I stopped receiving the replies. It was strange how a person is valued till the time you are in the same city but forgotten the moment you move out.

I have learnt it the hard way. I lost a friend (or at least that’s what I presumed she was to me but I sadly didn’t fulfill the role of a good friend) because of this disconnect. We became friends through a Facebook group. We met just once for lunch with two other girls from the same group. We were in constant touch through whatsapp for a couple of months. Then, gradually the touch was lost. Neither do I remember why we didn’t keep in touch nor was there any ill feeling between us. May be, it was time that was just running out everyday. We saw each other’s posts on Facebook and sometimes commented or chatted once in a while. The disconnect, became quite too long I suppose.

The next thing I remember seeing was a post in the group, through which we met, about her death. Yes, she died while giving birth to twin daughters, who too unfortunately passed away. I remember that day really well. I messaged the lady who had posted the news of my friend’s death. I spoke to her on phone to know what exactly had happened. She told me that my friend’s body will be brought home the next day and I could come if I wished to.

But there I was, standing at a juncture, where I didn’t know which path to take. Guilt and remorse took me from within. Feeling sorry wouldn’t have really solved the matter. That moment, I just felt, I wish.. I had called/messaged her at least once sometime. I would have known (may be) about her pregnancy..I could have been (may be) a part of the most important phase of her life..I could have (may be) even met her and dined together..I could have (may be)..

What’s gone shall never come. Her profile is still active on Facebook. Her husband often posts on her wall about his daily office trips. Her friends still wish her on her birthday and anniversary. But I merely look on as a spectator, seeing the wishes, seeing her smiling profile picture. We were not the best or closest of friends however, we had struck a chord in one meeting. If only, I had texted her “Hey, How are you? Been Long.” If only, I had just dialed her number. If only..

In life, we often get busy each passing day. There are moments when we do not even have the time to look at each other, despite living under the same roof. But those busy schedules and fast-paced life should not deter us from keeping in touch with the loved ones around us. So what, if they are not the first to take the step?

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