Use your actions every day to help create what you want
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If “thoughts” indeed became “things”; I would be dead by now. Startled with what I just wrote? Don’t be. This “thought” about “death” has been coming to me since I don’t know when. It reached a step further only now. People would categorize the problem that I am suffering from as “depression”, “loneliness”, and so on and so forth. But can you possibly be a “loner” even in a “crowd”? Can you be “depressed” even after you have poured your heart out to a friend/best friend/first friend/boyfriend/mom/dad? I suppose the answer cannot be a straight yes or no. It is a mix of both.
So, what has driven me to the extent that I am “thinking” about “death”? I guess I have this crazy fascination of thinking about how my life would be when I will be lying on the funeral pyre. Will the people, who had been around me for all those years, shed a drop or two of tears as I lay there ready to be burnt? Or will those, whom I have been very mean or rude to, be jumping with joy (of course, just in a phrase) on hearing about the news (after a couple of crocodile tears being shed)? Well, I hope the latter does not happen at all and as they say, death unites all- “those people”- too unite in my death.
Now, before you jump to thinking that I have either lost my mind or just took this post to shock the hell out of you guys by announcing “publicly” that I am considering or thinking about “death”; let me tell you, what happened moments before I got down to writing this post.
I have an uncanny habit of sharing my problems with my friends. Now, those friends (family too) are either too close to me or have been the guiding force for me when I needed them. Off late, I have (made to) realized that I not just share my problems with every close friend of mine but almost with everyone who has been close to me or has lend me their shoulders to cry on in times of need. The result as I see now is, a sudden realization about, how my life has played itself in front of my friends. Friends, who look up to me, for my “happy go lucky” nature; Friends, who consider me the always smiling and cheerful girl; Friends, who feel I am a “strong” woman and I can handle things with ease; All these friends, though have been very patiently and caringly hearing my sob stories, I have made a mockery of myself by letting go of things so personal that it could come back to haunt me, in future. I know, we ought to share our concerns/grief/plight with friends, who are genuinely, “friends in need.” But by burdening those friends, with your own personal troubles is injustice. (Don’t ask me to justify this now)
I have a fickle mind. My mind wanders from here to there, from one decision to other within a blink of an eye. At one moment, I say I want to eat out; the very next moment, I would sulk at having thought about going out when there was food cooked at home. I may have sulked in the earlier paragraph about how burdening my friends with my problems has had effects on me; I may, once I am done writing this, talking about something that’s bothering me to a friend on chat/What’s App. My latest fad is to write down a blog when I go through a troubled mind and then share it on FB. (Voila! I Nailed it in one go! Told some 500 and more odd friends or simply fb friends about my personal life on a public platform)
But you know what? That’s how I am. And, I am happy being so. If venting out is what I need, to keep thoughts about death, away from my mind, I do not mind writing 1000s of posts in a day or calling up that one or two friend(s), who lend an ear to me when I need them. Is it my fault that I have “thankfully” such friends (read, family too), who have known me in and out; who have known me through thick and thin; who have seen me transform from a school topper to a college girl to a good worker to a married woman and finally as a mother. Then there have been friends, whom I met on this journey, from college to work to a married woman and mother; they too have been kind enough to back me when I needed them despite their official or other commitments.
What triggered this blogpost?
“Your thoughts and feelings are ‘cause’ and what manifests is ‘effect’, so if you internalize what you are wanting you are completing all you have to do. As it is within, so it is without. As it is on the inside of you, so it is on the outside of you. Remember, inside you is the ‘cause’ and the outside world is the ‘effect.’”
“If an action in your life feels like it contradicts what you want, then use your imagination while you are doing the action. You can use your actions every day to help create what you want. You can change any action into a game of make-believe that is in line with what you want.” The Secret Daily Teachings
By writing this post, I feel I have relieved myself of the burden of thoughts that I had been carrying in my mind.
By writing this post, I feel I have relieved myself of the emotional breakdown that I was causing myself to head into.
By writing this post, I feel I have simply told myself that what I can’t do by talking, I can by writing.
By writing this post, I am also aiming at holding back those tears for those who don't deserve it.
By writing this post, I feel a stronger and determined person, who is willing to fight all the odds that are thrown her way.